I'm really going to try to write a post here every day this week. I've been a little absent lately, and I'm sorry for this. If you look throughout the history of this blog - every couple of months there is an apologetic post such as this one referring to my 'absence'. I just can't do everything. I know you're not asking me to but I feel as though I am not keeping to my side of the bargain when I don't write daily or when I don't reply to messages.
"Clare, you need to try to let go of your guilt complex" a friend of mine from work said to me on friday night when we went out for my birthday.
Fuck! Am I so transparent?
Ooops. Well, the lady is very perceptive, so I'm guessing she made her comment coming from a intuitive perception of people, and it's not because I'm so bloody easily read. Hell, no. It can't be that I declare who I am all the time ... * ahem*
So, many thanks for your delightful birthday wishes. So sweet. So thoughtful. Honestly this kind of thought makes me wanna cry. If you have read Hooked you may understand me a little better now, about why I respond to certain things such as kindness in the way that I do. And why I am intolerant and very verbal about cruelty.
Anyway, back to it - at work for my birthday I was bought some tres chic perfume, Molton Brown scented shower get and body lotion, some sweeties,and mini blow up plastic 'perfect' man by some of the girls. The blow up plastic perfect man, doesn't answer back; he has gifts in both hands and he's hung like a horse.
Well, the actually figurine isn't - I've just added that final bit ad-lib. Tmrw I'm going out with some of the girls for lunch time... and wednesday I'm going out with two of the others. God, they're so sweet. It's really lovely. I feel touched.
So, talking of the male doll being 'hung like a horse' - I haven't had any physical for ages and it's getting rather annoying. I'm in a funny place right now. Since Blue, I just don't want random sex. If you remember about a year ago I made a clean cut from my past couple of sex-buddies. I made my decision not to bother with empty sex just for some instant gratification. Once I'd made that decision that was it. I'm pretty good at sticking to something once I've made my mind up. So, now I'm in this bizarre situation where I don't feel fit to be in a relationship, yet I'd like some sex, but I don't want it with a 'friend' and most certainly it's not going to happen with a stranger. I'm hardly going to go out and go back to some random bloke's house. I've had one sober one night stand since getting clean and that was a delicious delight - about a year after I'd left rehab. But I reckon part of that was to see if I could actually do that, sober.
I did, then. But today 5 years on. I am a different woman and thankfully I understood even then that that had been more of an experiment and it certainly is not something I want to turn into a habit. To change ones life can not be done by the person picking bits here and there that they wish to change but acting out in others when it suits. It's the whole package that must change. ALL behaviours, not just some and consistency is paramount.
What gorgeous day today! Viva sunshine, love, and friendship! I went to a green near me to read in the sun and get a little golden hue. L. popped by with a friend and kindly splashed me with a Frappucino., which made me jump and laugh at the same time. We're Sooo wild like that me and her.
Catch you tomorrow.
will have some goss for ya tomorrow... not saying any more just yet.