I’ve been working hard, writing. Feeling happy and not at all gutted about Blue and I finishing. I’m not sure why, but I feel indifferent about it. Maybe it’s cos I haven’t spent time thinking about it. I don't know. And it just doesn't matter.
Now, usually when these things happen I am so overwhelmed by emotion that it takes over everything and I can’t think about anything else except my misery. I am so not like this, this time.
I’m feeling good about being single. I don’t want any man-hassle. Not that Blue caused me hassle, directly. He just didnt' do anything apart from for himself. Poor bugger. I hoep he manages to change this, for his own benefit. His life will suddenly become richer when he starts giving freely and parks his obsession with himself, more often than not.
I remember during our last break-up I did a lot of staring at walls and checking my phone. Gosh.... that feels like a life time away. I have deleted his details from my phone and our emails, and facebook messages, so I do not have his number in any capacity. Even if I did, I have no inclination to call him.
I have learned some lessons while with Blue. No biggies. Just about myself. I haven’t thought about his part in our fling, cos that's his life and it's none of my business. He must behave in a manner and do what makes him happy. I don't envy where he’s at in his life, but he's doing alright. Despite us not being together, if he ever called me and he is distressed, i’d help him if I could. But he won’t. He has other friends to call.
We had our extended moment together and that precious time is now finnished.
I mentioned the break up at work today and you know something? I am absolutely indifferent. Dunno why – cos I cared and still care about Blue – but I reckon, a while back, without me being conscious of it, I had resigned myself to deserving more than he was giving me. I'm guessing that’s why I shed all those tears last Sunday when he was here. I knew it wasn’t going to work out. He is very selfish, and I am not and some times that was more apparent than others. It some times takes me a while to relaise some things. I tend tohang in there until I just can be there any longer.
So, today, life is feeling good. I’m enjoying my writing. My parents are happy, and I’m happy at my office job - there’s always eye candy floating in and out of work; two pieces today ,which myself and one gay guy I work with were ogling.
It’s just harmless fun. I can’t be arsed with anything more than just dealing with myself at the moment, but the day will come when some of that eye candy better be ready: cos I ill be!