So.... today I’ve done a whole lot of nothing. That’s right; I’ve faffed around at work and obsessed about the fact that I have not been continuing writing UnHooked. I can’t. I don’t know why. I’m beginning to feel anxious whenever I think about that bloody second book...
Anyway, enough of that. Blue came into my work yesterday. He dropped off my favourite Adidas top which I’d text him to ask for the other day. As soon as I saw a missed call from his number (I’d erased it but recognised the last three digits) I called him back. It’s weird how I’d had a feeling in my bones earlier yesterday that he would drop by my work to give it to me... AND the top...I’d even told the security man at the entrance of my work’s building that I thought Blue would come by.
I felt nervous when he appeared looking handsome as ever. I found it difficult to look at him cos I was feeling a little shy and because I didn’t know if he hated me for the pathetic name-calling I’d served him last Saturday.
I don’t know... I just don’t know. Don’t know what? Don’t know anything. Not about this. I suppose I feel similar to how Blue felt when I broke up with him so suddenly a few weeks ago; unsure of what to say, how to behave, and my barriers are up.
Blue’s personality is beautiful. I enjoy him, his company, his demeanor, his chat, his dick, his mouth... but does it take more than this for a relationship to work?
I’m just mulling things over, here...
I appreciate that Blue and I are over. But being with him changed my perception about certain things...
How important is it that your partner is ‘settled.’ Job? Home? etc.
You see, none of that is important in my mind when it comes to Blue. But this thinking is wholly new for me.
Until Blue, I would never have been with a man who wasn’t financially secure. I’ve never had that before. But that’s all changed it seems. I’ve been shown that money is actually not vastly important if you’re with the right person.
But is this fantasy? Surely love, alone, is not enough?
I’m going to speak to my dad and his wife about this when I go and see them...
Being with Blue has confused a way of thinking which I thought was unshakable. I mean, of course things will change for him in time, but still, this whole thing (my relationship with Blue) has got me thinking...
If financial security is not massively important, what about marriage? Children? How are those things sustained?
What would have happened if Blue and I had stayed together and I hadn’t made a fair amount of money?
Hmmm, well, like I said, things change over time. We're both on active journeys of change. We both consiously try to be better people every day.
How something is today is not the measure of how it will be in say 2/3 years,eh?
I am aware that Blue is involved in a process which cannot be fast forwarded. Recovery is a long and slow process. I know first hand. There is nothing that can be done by another person to hurry it along. Nothing. And it would be completely unfair, irresponsible and utterly wrong to try and pressurise someone to change outside of a natural rhythm.
So, I have tried to persuade myself that since Blue has decided that he doesn’t want me as his girlfriend, and because I genuinely care about him I will not fight his decision.
Oh, and maybe together, I'm telling myself, maybe I may not have been able to fulfill the dreams that I have to have a family in the next few years.
Based on this, my rational mind is trying to persuade my heart that If I don’t hear from Blue again (despite him suggesting that we meet on Saturday afternoon to ‘talk’) although I will be very sad, it’ll be alright.
It will. It will. I’ll be alright.
It's odd how I said to him that if he changes his mind he should let me know. Me? saying this to a man who dumped me?
It's odd in the extreme and funny!
I wasn't begging him, I wasn't being clingy, I just said it. It's what I would like, so why not say it? I'm smirking as I write this. Being like that is very out of character for me.
I reckon Blue must have been spiking my coffee with something...
I guess I am simply able to understand the power of what we shared, and pride does not come into it when dealing with something like this, because I understand that what I shared with Blue, is a rarity. I have had a lot of experience with men and relationships. I know.
You see, I want him, but I don’t know if Blue would have been ready (in the next few years) for all that I would like to make happen in my life. And anyway, he may not have visualised it with me. Who knows? I can’t predict where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing or with whom I’ll be doing it in the coming years.
But if he is resolute in his decision I wouldn’t blame him whatsoever, since yesterday when I saw him I had not a scrap of make-up on and I was dressed in sombre clothing. He probably thinks he’s had a lucky escape!