I am officially glum, pissed off, fed up, want to throw everything away... what
'everything'? I have nothing except a boyfriend who thinks I should be tidier and moans; a lot.
I think I mentioned this before. I.Am.Not.Tidy.
I'm not tidy, never have been, and more than likely never will be and shall I tell you something else? I couldn't give a f**k about having a spotless apartment.
I live in the space I inhabit and people that don't like it can piss off - or take their bloody moaning somewhere else. Go and bore the ears off some other woman who will tolerate it. I've just called him 'tedious' and asked him not to speak to me.
He's really getting up my nose.
Some times I want to throw on my cloak of defiance, find me a man who won't insist I do the cleaning, who will allow me to be how I am with all my household laziness - if he wants things tidier, then employ a flippin' cleaner and don't whinge or make an issue of it.
The luxuries I want in my life are: Not to have to worry about anything practical. I want to feel spoilt, I want to feel safe, I want have security and I want holidays.
Right now I feel down. I'm miserable and I'm fed up of trying to have an adult relationship when I feel like a child. Apparently according to the psychologist, I seemed to have jumped from around 13 years old (when I started to fuck up) and woke up at 26 when I went into rehab.
What doesn't help us, or should I say, me, is my boy - he is exactly that - a boy. He isn't yet a fully fledged adult man even at 33. He's in that awkward transitional period between being a boy and a man....his second puberty. You know, that few years that men who don't have much responsibility go through in their early thirties.
Damn, really.... I don't get what's happening here.
I know I'm not easy. I'm not. I'm emotionally damaged, emotionally needy and I crave constant reassurance and lots, and lots of cuddles.
I know many men believe that they can handle it, me, because they don't imagine that someone can actually be as genuinely insecure as I am.
The problem is they buy into an external package. A fantasy of who they think I am or could be. They see the height, a pleasant smile, long dark hair, and a trim physique... oh, and big tits - and they don't initially think beyond that. In fact even after the first date, second date, the sex date - by then I'm already telling them what an emotional liability I can be; what a strain I can be on their time, their patience, their tolerance. But some men see a vulnerable girl poking through the tantrums I tell them about, the doubts I have, the paranoia I experience, and they stay passed the warning.
Usually it's me that leaves, so why can't I this time?
I talked to the psychologist at my appointment today about how the love from my dad was quite obviously transactional. I do well at school, I get rewarded. I listen to classical music day and night and daddy thinks I am a good and sophisticated girl.
I go to the opera with him and comment about how wonderful it is at opportune moments and I'm such a clever girl.
But when I say I don't want to sit with him to watch Wagner's de Valkeri, for the umpteenth time - then I hurt him. Daddy's upset with me, he's disappointed and I feel like a bad girl. I feel immense guilt and join him and sit quietly, smiling occasionally, wishing to God - I was doing anything else than listing to The Ring. But if listening to Wagner is what will make daddy like me again, I'll do it.
I refuse to do this with the lover. I won't tidy my home just cause it makes him 'happy'.
I don't know why we are still together. This is not my dream relationship, and anyone who bleats 'It's not realistic to expect your dream relationship' - I think that's bollocks.
I believe I can get all the external dreams I desire. But finding the love, affection, patience and fun, as well as not having to try and act 'grown up'- that would be perfect. I would love to relinquish responsibility of my own life (to a degree), glide by and not have to stress about stuff, you know.... boring, shitty stuff like cleaning, that no one wants to do. And if they do want to do it? then why??
Being with the lover feels like two kids playing at house.
I hate that. I want a man to look up to who is a fully formed bloke; a man that knows more than I do about life's intrigues. Someone who will teach me more than just spelling, grammar and cleaning.